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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

by Gary Chapman

Falling in love is the easy part—maintaining that love is where it gets tricky. Once the initial “honeymoon” phase of infatuation is over, love requires hard work to thrive. The biggest reason that people fall out of love is due to a lack of proper communication. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts posits that when you speak to your partner in their primary love language, you communicate your love for them in a manner that they can understand. And once they understand how much you love them, they will reciprocate and love you back.

Summary Notes

Chapter 1: What Happens to Love After the Wedding?

Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English.

Have you ever felt like even though you were putting in a lot of effort to make your partner feel loved, they were not responding positively to it? This could be due to the simple fact that the two of you speak different love languages, and therefore, just cannot understand each other. Similar to how someone who speaks French will not be able to understand someone who speaks Japanese, people who speak different love languages will not be able to understand how to love each other.

There are 5 different love languages:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Receiving gifts

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch

To truly build undying love with your partner, you must commit to learning their love language.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 2: Keeping the Love Tank Full

Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another.

The need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. Love is essential to our emotional health, without it, we will find functioning normally to be extremely difficult. Picture a “love tank” inside of you—when you feel loved, your love tank will be full and your attitude and mannerisms will reflect that. When you don’t feel loved, your love tank will be empty, and you will notice your relationship with your partner suffering.

When your love tank is full, you will create an emotional climate that makes it possible to discuss problems and resolve conflicts with your partner.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 3: Falling in Love

We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever.

Research shows that the average life-span of a romantic obsession is two years. After that, quirks we thought we loved about our partner become annoying, the little, mildly inconvenient traits we overlooked become more important than we thought. That feeling of head-over-heels love vanishes, and reality sets in.

When that initial tingling feeling of love goes away, many people choose to break up with or divorce their partner. However, if you put in the effort and discipline to continue loving your partner, you can build an everlasting, true love.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 4: Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other.

Most of us resort to anger, passive aggression, and unkind words when our partner does something we do not like. However, if words of affirmation are your partner’s primary love language, focusing on the things they do that you do like will motivate them most effectively. Affirming them frequently will remind them that you love them, and they will be more inclined to reciprocate and do the things you want them to do.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 5: Love Language #2: Quality Time

The emphasis is not on what you are doing, but why you are doing it.

If your partner’s primary love language is quality time, they will best understand your love for them when you give them your undivided attention. What you do with them could range from a simple chat on the couch to a weekend getaway—but the most important thing you must do is to focus on them and not anything else. When you do this, they will understand that you love and appreciate them.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 6: Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Gifts are visual symbols of love.

Gift giving is a part of nearly every culture in the world. It is a physical representation of love, something the other person can keep forever to remind them of how much you appreciate them. To identify if your partner’s primary love language is gift receiving, think about how they react when given a gift. If they are overly critical of it, it is likely not their love language.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 7: Love Language #4: Acts of Service

Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

Acts of service refer to doing things for your partner that you know they would like you to do. Acts of service require thought, planning, time, effort, energy, and love. It is important to remember to perform these acts of service with your love for your partner in mind—do not do it because you feel guilty or fearful.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 8: Love Language #5: Physical Touch

Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love.

Physical touch communicates hate or love—and if your partner’s primary love language is this, physically touching them will communicate your love for them in a much more effective manner than words ever could.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 9: Discovering Your Primary Love Language

You may request things from all five love languages, but you will have more requests centering on your primary love language.

There are two types of people who have difficulty in discovering their primary language—those who have been feeling deeply loved for such a long time that they find it difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes them feel loved, and those who haven’t felt loved in so long they can’t remember what it feels like. Luckily, there are a few different approaches you can use to discover your primary love language, so try them all out and one will work.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 10 & 11: Love is a Choice & Love Makes the Difference

Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different.

Everyone has made poor choices in life; however, it is important to recognize those choices for what they were and commit to changing for the future. Love is a choice that you have to make every day in the sense that you have to choose to express your love for your partner effectively so they will feel that love. Even if it is in the past, you and your partner have hurt each other, and you can take steps to rebuild the love in your relationship.

Skills to acquire

Chapter 12: Loving the Unlovely

Love is a miracle worker.

Sometimes, you may find yourself in a marriage where you feel as though you hate your spouse. However, you did love them once—and that love can be rebuilt. It will take effort, but once you put in that effort, you will reap the rewards.

Skills to acquire

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