Owning Your Narrative—How Your History Shapes, and Sometimes Distorts, Present Decisions
You catch yourself, again, stepping back from a new connection—or maybe going the opposite way, feeling a gut urge to control every detail. It’s tempting to criticize yourself: 'Why can’t I just relax?' But hidden beneath that is a story—a wound, a habit, or a skill forged for a different context.
Jay struggles with public intimacy after losing a close friend to an on-set accident. Instead of beating himself up for self-sabotage, he finally recognizes he’s been protecting himself from pain he once couldn’t control. Blaina, too, realizes her push-pull with relationships connects to not having had boundaries modeled as a kid. Pausing to observe these patterns—where they started, what jobs they’ve done—slows the blame game and opens up new choices.
Recent research in psychology underlines this: Awareness of 'origin stories' gives people agency, while persistent self-blame keeps patterns fixed. By owning your narrative, you map the best way forward—one that recognizes where you’ve come from and where you want to go.
This week, notice if you react repeatedly in a specific tough scenario—maybe by pulling away, getting tense, or going silent. Pause, jot down the moment, and ask yourself: What older story might this habit belong to? Notice if, at one time, it was a strength. With curiosity (not judgment), consider what a new response could look like. Try out one new habit in a context where you feel safe, and track what shifts. Your history is a part of you, but it doesn’t have to dictate your today.
What You'll Achieve
Go from autopilot reaction to conscious choice, integrating self-understanding with practical new habits. Achieve more balanced, intentional responses that fit who you are now, not just who you’ve been.
Connect Past Experience to Present Behavior With Curiosity
Identify one recurring struggle or reaction.
When you notice yourself repeating a specific response (pulling away, overprotecting, self-sabotage), pause and write down when it shows up and what triggers it.
Recall origin stories without self-blame.
Reflect gently on where that habit may come from—childhood experiences, prior relationships, or formative work incidents—without judging yourself for holding on to it.
Reframe the pattern as a skill or legacy.
Ask: How might this habit have once protected or helped me? What new skills or support do I need now to choose differently?
Reflection Questions
- What recurring habits frustrate or puzzle me?
- Where have these patterns served me well in the past?
- What’s one gentle way to experiment with change?
- How would understanding my past shift how I treat myself today?
Personalization Tips
- Someone who avoids group work recalls being humiliated during a class presentation in middle school, then tries joining a small group with a supportive friend.
- A colleague who micromanages admits they needed to stay in control as a kid, and gradually gives small tasks away.
- A friend who shrugs off help realizes they were rewarded for independence as a child and now tries directly asking for support when overwhelmed.
Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood
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