Why deciding who's right rarely settles a sibling feud for good

When two siblings have the same fight over and over, most parents assume their job is to finally figure out who's right and rule accordingly. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish found that this almost never works, because ruling on right and wrong just teaches children to keep appealing to a higher court instead of dealing with each other.

Their alternative appears in the case of a girl named Janie, who was frightened whenever her parents left her home with her older brother Bill, because, she said, he turned off her television and yanked her arm hard enough to leave a mark. Bill insisted he'd only pulled her gently because she'd ignored him about the TV. The parents could have simply believed one child over the other. Instead, they called a meeting.

They explained why they were gathering everyone, and set one ground rule, each person would get to speak without being interrupted. Janie went first, the fear over being left with Bill, the arm, the TV. Then Bill gave his version, the gentle pull, her ignoring him. The parents wrote down both accounts and read them back, so each child could hear that they'd actually been understood, then let each rebut what the other had said. Only after both had been fully heard did anyone move to solutions, and even then, the children went first, Bill thought Janie should just listen to him because he's older, Janie thought Bill shouldn't be allowed to hurt her at all. A sitter was suggested and rejected. A TV schedule, worked out in advance with the parents before they left, made the final list, along with two firm rules, no hurting, and everyone in charge of themselves.

Nobody handed down a verdict about who was the villain. What the process did instead was slow everything down enough that both children felt heard, which turned out to matter more than being declared correct. Faber and Mazlish's larger point is that for the conflicts that don't resolve on their own, calling a real meeting, with real ground rules and a habit of writing feelings down before jumping to fixes, gives children practice negotiating that no amount of parental judging ever will.

When the same fight between your children keeps resurfacing no matter what you try, stop trying to settle it in the hallway and instead call an actual meeting, explaining plainly why you're gathering everyone. Set one ground rule before anything else, each child gets to speak completely without being interrupted, and you'll write down what they say so they know they've been heard correctly. Let each child respond briefly to what the other said, then ask both of them, before you say a word, what solutions they can think of, writing every idea down without judging any of them yet. Together, choose the ideas everyone can actually live with, even if imperfect, and agree on a specific day to check back in and see whether it's working.