The four excuses your mind reaches for when you know you're wrong

When Yusuf al-Falah and Avi Rozen sit with parents at Camp Moriah, they draw four boxes on a whiteboard, and most people recognize themselves in at least one before the marker's even down.

The first is better-than: I see myself as smarter, more righteous, or more important, and I keep score. Rozen admits to falling into it over dinner once, at a nice restaurant on Valentine's Day, when he caught a foul smell and immediately decided the unkempt man at the next table was an inconsiderate scumbag ruining his evening. He complained until his wife had them moved. The smell turned out to be the restaurant's black beans, delivered with his own meal.

The second is I-deserve: I feel entitled, mistreated, owed something, and therefore justified in resenting whoever isn't providing it. Rozen's version showed up over a lawn, he mowed it in a rush before a tennis game, refused to edge it because he was running late, and spent the rest of the evening convinced his wife was being unreasonable for asking twice.

The third is worse-than: I see myself as inadequate or damaged, and I use that as an excuse to withdraw from other people rather than to fix anything. Rozen struggled with a stutter until he was nearly twenty, and instead of engaging with people, he pulled away from them, telling himself he couldn't be expected to do what came easily to everyone else.

The fourth is need-to-be-seen-as: I care more about appearing kind, tidy, or competent than about actually being any of those things. Al-Falah tells on himself here too, he once pushed a dropped piece of lettuce under the kitchen counter with his toe rather than bend down and pick it up, because leaving it visible might make his wife think less of him.

What ties the four together is that none of them require the other person to be right or wrong. They're simply the shapes self-justification takes once a person needs an excuse. Noticing which shape you reach for first tells you less about the person you're upset with than about yourself.

Think back to your last real argument and notice which excuse you reached for first: did you feel superior, entitled, worthless, or desperate to look good? It's fine to notice real differences between yourself and someone else; the trouble starts the moment you use those differences to rank whose feelings, time, or opinions matter more. Look for the small hidden version of your box too, the pushed-aside piece of evidence, the chore quietly skipped, the correction you never voiced because saying it might make you look petty. None of the four boxes require the other person to be right or wrong, so ask yourself plainly what you would do differently in this exact situation if you needed no excuse at all.