Relationships in 2021. Dos and don'ts!

Extra actionable lessons from the book: “The Seven principles of Making a Marriage work.” By John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. - Mentorist App


I once again cannot speak to marriage as this is the case for this week's book, because I write from my own experiences so what I will do is write from what I do know, being in a successful 3 year relationship with my partner. 

What you eventually learn is that relationships are not as easy as the movies out to make it. People meet in the most perfect circumstances and they somehow go through the most perfectly orchestrated plots only to end up together at the end, living “happily ever after.” Real life doesn’t go this way, we meet people at parties, through other friends and sometimes via tinder. We love, we get our hearts broken, we break up and start with new people only to sometimes go back to someone we once were with. Yes real life is really as messy as the TV show: Gossip Girl. And this is what we have to live with. The movies always appeal to our fantasies because at the end of the day, it is business and most people can’t deal with their reality and want to escape to fantasy and so movies are designed this way. So I figured I’d write some relationship dos and don’t from my perspective to help some people out there. I am NOT an expert but that also doesn’t mean I can’t write from my experiences to those who choose to read. 


1. Have a plan for yourself AND the relationship

There must be an intentionality about your life as well where the relationship is going. This means “going with the flow” is not a strategy. I’ve learnt that my time is valuable and I no longer waste it especially with people. So make sure you have a plan for your life and a plan for your relationship. My partner made me aware of this. 

2. Learn to communicate with each other

There will be fighting that happens and that is normal, this is simply because of differing points of view and opinion. This will spark fights and anger but always be able to communicate and speak to each other after. 

3. Say “I’m sorry” and mean it. 

Sometimes all someone needs to hear that you acknowledge your wrongs and genuinely apologize and not apologize for the sake of it. I used to make this mistake sometimes because I hate being wrong but we can’t always be right. 

4. Listen and be thoughtful

This simply means understanding that if your partner has had a tough week, that you take this into your consideration and do something thoughtful. The truth is that all we really want in this life, is to know someone cares about us. 

5. Be supportive

Everyone has dreams and ambitions they want to achieve, this might be bigger or smaller than yours and that is ok. You shouldnt belittle someone or be insecure about what they want from life. Remember iron sharpens iron. Support your partner and help them get to where they want to get to. 

6. Have more sex! 

Sex is very important part of a realtionship and it is the glue that holds it together. There are some exceptions but the general rule is this: more sex is good and less sex is bad for a relationship so have more sex! 

7. Be as honest as possible

The truth is that everyone lies at some stage or the other, but some lies can destroy the trust in relationships and this is something to really be aware of at all times. Trust is its own thing and very difficult to get back once it's gone. 

8. Mind your own business 

Mind your own business and stop comparing yourself to other people when you don’t have the context of the situation you are comparing yourself to. 



1. Don't be mean, or nasty

Fights can sometimes get out of hand and it is very important to be careful to say hurtful things you cannot take back. 

2. Don’t betray yourself

If you feel that a relationship is now toxic and hurting you more than it is adding to you, you have to have the confidence to respect yourself enough to walk away. There is no shame in this and a lot of people will stay in relationships that are bad for them all because they fear being alone. 

3. Don’t get comfortable 

After sometime, the honeymoon phase apparently wears off and I always thought this was true but now I know that the spark doesn't have to die as long as you don’t get comfortable in yourself and as a couple. When people say they have fallen out of love, it is only because they have exhausted the possibilities and are no longer growing as individuals and as a couple. Everything in life should get better and easier the more you do it because this is the nature of evolution. The fireworks come and go and that's normal but as soon as people get too comfortable, it becomes dangerous. 

4. Don’t go to bed angry at each other

This is another thing that is extremely important to keep in mind. Never let fights continue onto the next day if you can help it. Make sure you talk and try to resolve things before you go to bed. 

5. Don’t entertain things you know should not entertain

Cheating isn’t an instant thing but something that can mostly be traceable. Be careful of what you choose to entertain especially in this day of social media when everyone has access to each other. 

6. Don't be friends with your ex partners

No matter how you want to frame it in a way that your partner understands, exes are a sensitive topic that shouldn't be a problem to who you are with at the moment. 

I could add more but I think I covered the main ones.  


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