How to be a top-tier man - The Apex Male.

Extra actionable lessons from the book: “The Seven principles of Making a Marriage work.” By John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. - Mentorist App


This week's book was about The seven principles of making a marriage work. I have never been married and I am a man, so I figured I’d dedicate the first article to men. I’ve noticed that there is more literature that is aimed towards women and what they deal with and less material aimed at men. I think it has to do with that thing we men have where we don’t ask for directions whereas women find it easier to do so. Our weakness as men is that we think we know everything and our pride will never want us to admit we are lost or struggling and so many of us suffer in silence. This, over time, really puts men into two groups: winners and losers. The winners (20%), enjoy all the benefits; they get laid the most, date/marry the most attractive females, live interesting lives and are spoilt for choice whereas the rest of the men who form the other 80%, have to get by with whatever they can find. Stories like “The 40 year old Virgin” are more common than you think. This is also why the richest person and the poorest person on the planet will always be a male, we are extremists. 

When you watch a disaster movie and there is an evacuation at place, it is always the women and children who get evacuated first simply because women can reproduce and children are the future of any generation. Nature has thus made it clear and apparent that men are at the lower end of the spectrum and less important to nature. As a result of this our sole purpose is to do what we do and compete for the opportunity to mate with as many females as we can. I remember a quote I heard from a TV show that said:

“All life is about sex, but sex itself, is about power.”

This is why men want the best cars, the highest positions that give us power and to be rich. This is all similar to what peacocks do when they want to attract a female to mate with. Women on the other hand don’t really care for the Ferrari and the chase for money as men do simply because they aren’t as motivated to do so. A woman can live with her parents for many years until she meets a man and still be desirable, but a man who lives with his parents past a certain age is looked down upon. Yes there are double standards in this life but they are balanced from both genders. 

The interesting thing is that we as men also love differently to women, men are more idealistic and women are more opportunistic. Men hold an idea of the perfect woman and want to live this out, whereas women, because they aren’t the pursuers, have to make sure they choose the best male they can get and so learn early on to reject more than they select. As a result of this men have to live with rejection as a norm in their early development. Nature wants women to mate with only the best males so as to protect the species and what most people don’t know is that women want to be with winners, the top 20% of men and not the 80% of losers, which goes against the narrative of most movies. A Lot of us have been brought up with programming from Disney. 

So to men, how do you win? How do you become an apex male? How do you become a top 20% male? Well if you’re still reading this then you’ve come to the right place because I have some keys for you. 

1. Accept reality - Books are judged by their covers.

This means that the world works and runs in a specific way and a lot of it is unconscious. Certain colours evoke different emotions and feelings out of us without our awareness. This means that we tend to react to outside stimuli before we are conscious of the fact that we do this. So you have to accept that how things appear at first glance will automatically form an opinion because not everyone has time to find out what’s going on behind the scenes. 

This means your appearance matters, so get in shape, look presentable and act like a winner. It is very important to understand this. The world is not what you have been taught your whole life and that’s why men struggle with reality. 

2. Mission first, women and everything else second.

It doesn't matter whether you want to be a family man or a person who goes out into life to sleep with as many women as you want, you have to make it a point to have a mission first. Adam and Eve were not created at the same time. Before Eve was made, Adam already had a mission/mandate and only after a while, when God decided it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone, did he make Eve. What this means is this, as a man you have to have a mission or a purpose you are working towards, and this has to be in your control and not just your career. There must be something you desperately want to do in the world that gives you energy and that you take pride in. Until you know what this is, leave women alone because you will then be forced to follow and do the things that they want you to do, only for them to lose respect for you when you don’t have your own sense of identity, as I said, women want to be with winners, the way to be a winner is to select a game you want to win at. 

So stop chasing after women and wasting your time without having a mission, this also means having a sense of dignity with yourself so STOP following attractive women on social media who won’t respond to your DMs or messages. 


3. Take on challenges

You have to take on challenges, this is very important to understand. As a man, comfort is your enemy. Yes there are times to rest and enjoy but staying there is certainly not the way for you. Women grow through praise but men grow through challenges, this is why muscles grow due to stress. We men find pleasure in solving problems and this is why we can get obsessed and zero in on something without stopping. We have a more steady attention span which is why we men can watch sports games for over an hour and most women can’t. Women need the emotions and the ups and downs to keep them largely captivated, this is why they are attracted to winners who keep them excited versus losers who spark no emotion in them. 

So take on challenges in your life and don’t shy away from them. Average is losing formula. 


4. Take risks

Part of your mandate is for you to take risks. In the same way that weights improve your muscle mass, challenges improve your mental capacity, risks improve your spiritual capacity. Your spiritual capacity is where most of your confidence comes from. We all judge a book by its cover but when you get up close, people, especially women can sense and pick up a man's confidence levels. These are all the intangible aspects of your life that your energy gives off. One thing you can never hide is your energy and how you project yourself to the world. The tone of your voice, your walk and your posture will always communicate these things no matter how you try to hide them. The opposite is also true, you can lack the aspects that make your cover look good like not having the height, clothes and looks because your energy will ALWAYS overcome your appearance; the only drawback is that people need to come close to you to observe this, which isn't always the case. 

So make sure you take risks in your life, fortune always favors the brave, not the weak and afraid. 

5. Always be improving

I’ve seen a lot of guys get married or get to positions in life and then they get comfortable. I did say that comfort is not a man's tool, the “soft life” was not meant for men. So this means you ought to always improve, keep surprising your women, add new elements to your approach and don’t be a boring and predictable human being. Your woman will love you more for being a more desirable man. You don’t have to be with 100s of women to feel like you’re the man, but you must conduct yourself in such a way that you’re always attractive to the opposite sex. Your woman will love you more for this, hell she’ll want to have more sex with you. Remember women want to be with winners, and winners don’t get comfortable, they are always improving and adding new things. 

6. Aim for autonomy and freedom - Play the long game

A Lot of people will find themselves in a job and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your long term strategy for your life should be to live a life where you have autonomy and freedom when it comes to your life. This means that you must always make sure you are valuable to the world and so much so that the world allows you to live how you want because they know you can deliver. This means either having your own business and getting rich from it or working in a corporate environment where you aim to at least be the top 10% in your industry. 

This means you must be or do something people want (create wealth) and you do so by selecting opportunities that are measurable (your individual performance can be measured) and those where you have leverage. To put it simply, this will allow you to always dictate how much you get paid and people will always beg you to stay when you want to leave. Winners don’t get fired.


7. Raise your standards 

You have to raise your standards from yourself and what you want from life. Remember that a 100% improvement of yourself will automatically inspire a 20% improvement of your environment. People, whether it be your family, spouse or girlfriend will always look to mirror this simply because we are social creatures that are constantly looking and comparing ourselves to each other. So don’t be mad that your girlfriend/wife is gaining weight but instead start going to the gym and you will see it will inspire her. 

Stop allowing yourself to be told what you can and cannot achieve in life. Other people’s limits are not your limits. Lose now and be ok with that because they will call you crazy but eventually you will win if you play the long game. Don’t be like the cool guys in High School who peaked too early and have their best days behind them. 

8. Stop moaning and bitching about things you refuse to voluntarily confront. 

I don’t have to say anything further than the title of this point. What I will however say is that people are quick to be keyboard warriors (people who complain on social media about things) but very slow to be active solutions to problems. Be and talk about solutions and stop identifying or admiring problems. 


9. Start making more decisions and be more intentional. Your life is YOUR responsibility. 

Your life as a winner is not a life of chance or luck, but a life of intentionality, that is why a mission is the most important thing you will own as a man. This will make sure you’re a winner and not a loser. Everything in your life must be created with discipline, that is where you will find happiness - in your work (work in this context means “to become”). The men who are losers in this life, refuse to confront themselves and thus become bitter about life because they got what they didn’t want and as a result take out their frustrations out on everything around them. This is why men kill and abuse women and I’m not saying that winners aren’t abusive, but I don’t think you will find a man who beats his woman and is happy with himself or his life. This is also why men successfully commit suicide more.

To the women out there, you’re allowed to want to be with winners and you should not feel bad about this, nature demands that you be selective who you pick. When women are quality, men are motivated and this is what spurs us men to improve and build societies. 

The END! *Drops Mic*



Call to action!!

Follow us on Instagram @MentoristApp , tag us and let us know if this article helped you and download the Mentorist App for more information on how you can add action behind the ideas of other books as well as this amazing book - “The Seven principles of Making a Marriage work.” By John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. 

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter at @MasterLui_. You can also book to speak at your next conference here: