Anger Masks Deeper Pain—Use AHEN to Decode Yours

You’re home from a brutal day at work when your roommate leaves dishes piled high again. You explode—yelling about laziness. Your heart pounds and your vision narrows. Later, you feel ashamed and puzzled: why did you erupt over a few plates? Practicing the AHEN model, you pause. First: “Yes, I was hurt.” You realize you felt unappreciated and alone that day. Next: “Expectations not met.” You’d assumed roommates would clean common areas by evening. Finally, “Needs not met.” You needed respect for your personal space and a sense of partnership.

You take a breath and text your roommate: “I felt stressed today and needed my space. Next time can we agree on a dish-clean routine?” Instead of a guilt-ridden apology, you shared the real hurt behind your anger. She replies she’ll chip in and you both set a simple schedule.

Neuroscience shows anger triggers the amygdala’s fight signals. When we decode its AHEN roots—Hurt, Expectations, Needs—we pull our thinking brain back online and communicate effectively. Over time, anger stops masking pain and becomes a pathway to understanding instead of conflict.

The next time you feel anger surge, pause and tell yourself you’re upset. Then ask if you’re hurt—maybe feeling dismissed or unsafe. List the expectations you held that fell short, and identify which personal need wasn’t met, whether it’s respect or support. Use these answers to craft a focused, honest statement to the other person instead of blaming. Practice this four-question check and watch frustration turn into clarity.