Why praising obedience can backfire louder than a yelp

Every evening, Mark’s mother would beam as he cleared the dinner plates and quip, “You’re such a great helper!” Mark began helping less. He’d glance at his mother’s face, then at the leftover plates, and slip away—no matter how much she meant it.

Turns out, Mark wasn’t the exception: Research shows that when people are praised, they often end up caring less about the task itself and more about the praise. It’s called the “overjustification effect.” If you fold laundry to hear “good job,” you may finish the chore—but only to elicit more compliments, not because you care about neat shirts.

A simpler way unfolds from this insight: describe what you notice without judging it. Instead of “Great sorting,” say, “You put all the red blocks in one bin and the blue in another.” Description engages your child’s curiosity about why she chose that method, and she comes to fold, file, or fetch for the joy of it rather than for applause.

This approach works at every age and in every role—parent, teacher, boss. Description and inquiry fuel intrinsic motivation, keeping people curious, creative, and genuinely committed—no strings attached.

Start by noticing every time you say “Good job.” Write down what you praised so you see when and why you urge your child toward approval. Then replace judgments with descriptions: “You drew a really tall tree with green leaves and a wide trunk.” Follow up with a question: “What made you choose those shades of green?” Give it a try tomorrow.