Recognize when conditional love trumps real connection

You’ve just snapped at your ten-year-old for leaving shoes at the door again. You watch his face register disappointment—eyes downcast, jaw tight. That quick flash of regret hits you as you dash out to start dinner prepping: was it the shoe habit you hated or seeing him look hurt? That night, a quiet chat replaces the usual lecture. You admit you were frustrated and explain it isn’t his worth you’re doubting but the extra cleanup you faced.

The next morning, he greets you holding both pairs of shoes. He doesn’t shout, “Good job!” but he beams. The difference feels genuine—he’s helping from his own choice, not because he’s eyeing praise or shortening his chore list. This small moment signals a shift: a relationship built on understanding, not on performance.

Psychologists who study attachment call this “earned security.” When children hear genuine reassurance alongside clear expectations, they learn that love isn’t a prize but a given. They start trusting themselves—and you—enough to admit mistakes without fearing rejection.

You begin by jotting down moments when you praise or punish, so you can see if your love comes with conditions. Then, you practice asking yourself how a remark might feel from your child’s shoes before you speak. Finally, you offer unconditional reassurance right after a tense moment, reminding your child that your love is constant and secure. Give it a try tonight.