Be Tough ’n’ Nice so standards rise and trust grows together

Leaders often feel forced to choose: be kind or be demanding. The better path is Tough ’n’ Nice, in that order. Tough means you hold high standards and confront misses quickly. Nice means you affirm the person’s worth and restore the relationship. When people experience both, standards rise without fear poisoning the well.

Start by teaching the standard and the why behind it. Show what good looks like, then enforce it. When a miss occurs, be firm about the behavior and its impact, pause, then affirm the person. “This fell short and can’t continue. I value your judgment, and I expect you back on standard.” Over time, people learn that accountability isn’t a threat to belonging, it’s a part of it.

Public praise and private correction protect dignity and focus attention where it belongs. Also, model your own fallibility. Admit misses, fix them, even smile about them when appropriate. One leader told his team, “I forgot the second half of my own rule yesterday.” He owned it, repaired it, and the team relaxed visibly.

This style aligns with the idea of psychological safety: people take smart risks when they believe they won’t be humiliated for errors. It also reflects a nuanced view of identity, where a person is not reduced to their last performance. By separating worth from behavior, you create a culture where people push hard without bracing for personal attacks.

Teach your standards early with concrete examples, then hold the line when misses happen by addressing the behavior firmly and following with a clear affirmation of the person so trust stays intact. Praise wins in public to amplify what you want, correct in private to protect dignity, and make a habit of owning your own slips so people see that being human and being excellent can coexist. This blend of backbone and warmth makes high performance feel safe. Try it in your next tough conversation.