Define success on your terms and escape the comparison trap
When Sandi started her weight-loss coaching practice, she felt good every time she hit five clients, got media mentions, or doubled her social followers. But she still felt empty, always chasing bigger milestones. After a particularly exhausting day, she realized her measure of success was set by others—likes, shares, industry awards.
She sat down with a blank page and wrote, “I know I’m successful when…” Her list included her unique values: waking up excited at 5 a.m., helping one client overcome self-doubt, having a real laugh with her kids, and ending the day with gratitude practice. From these she crafted a two-question filter: “Does this opportunity feed my morning joy and benefit at least one person deeply?” If not, she’ll pass.
Within weeks, her calendar cleared of high-status but shallow engagements. She focused on deep coaching sessions, started a morning gratitude circle at home, and reconnected with her team. She still earned more, but now felt aligned and energized. Her clients noticed her renewed passion—referrals went up 40 percent.
Research in self-determination theory shows that autonomy and personal value alignment boost intrinsic motivation, sustained commitment, and well-being. By defining success on her own terms and filtering every decision through her criteria, Sandi built a thriving, purpose-driven business and life.
Begin by recalling moments you felt forced to chase external approval rather than your true values. Then, draft a list of statements completing “I know I’m successful when…” and highlight the criteria that matter most to you. Next, simplify into a yes-no filter—ask yourself if any new request truly advances those criteria. Use this filter daily to protect your time and energy. You’ll find yourself saying no to good but misaligned opportunities and yes to the right ones. Start crafting your filter today.
What You'll Achieve
You’ll gain clarity on what success means to you, boost intrinsic motivation, and eliminate comparison. Externally, you’ll make fewer distractions, increase purposeful yeses, and improve decision quality.
Craft your own success criteria list
Reflect on past frustrations
Think of times you felt you failed because you chased external markers—college admissions, social media likes, or peer comparisons.
Draft your success triggers
Answer “I know I’m successful when…” with as many bullet points as you like. Be honest—do you value autonomy, creative flow, gratitude practice?
Create a two-question filter
Condense your list into a simple yes—no filter like “Will this move me toward my definition of success?” If the answer is no, politely say no.
Use it daily
Before agreeing to anything, run it through your filter. Over time you’ll protect your priorities and build a self-determined life based on your own metrics.
Reflection Questions
- Which external success marker have you chased that left you empty?
- What three criteria belong on your own success list?
- What simple decision filter can you use at work and home?
- How might your daily choices change when you honor your own success metrics?
Personalization Tips
- An artist lists creative depth, daily sketching, and feedback sessions as success triggers rather than gallery shows.
- A teacher defines success by daily student engagement, lesson curiosity, and one solved problem instead of standardized test scores.
- A parent measures success by quality family dinners and weekly playdates rather than Instagram-perfect moments.
The Gap and The Gain: The High Achievers' Guide to Happiness, Confidence, and Success
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