Stop obeying invisible rules by running the Brule Test on your life

Most people live inside a fog of adopted rules that sound reasonable because everyone repeats them. They begin as “shoulds” whispered by family, school, or social media, then harden into quiet commands that steer your choices. One manager in a tech firm once told me, coffee cooling on his desk, that he “had to” respond to emails within ten minutes or be seen as unhelpful. When he traced that rule back, it wasn’t in any handbook. It was a story he absorbed during a crisis quarter years ago and never revisited.

A clean way to see through the fog is a five-question filter. First, ask if the rule assumes people are basically bad and must be controlled. Second, check if it would feel fair if applied to you in reverse, the Golden Rule test. Third, decide whether it is a cultural habit rather than an objective truth. Fourth, notice if you adopted it via social contagion—because others did—rather than clear choice. Finally, ask if it actually serves your happiness. When one or more answers fail, you’ve likely found a Brule—a bulls**t rule.

Take the texting rule in dating. Many people silently believe, “If they don’t reply quickly, it means I’m not valued.” That belief fails the reality test and the happiness test. A small experiment—agreeing on preferred reply windows—often turns anxiety into ease. A young designer I coached ran this seven‑day test with her partner. Her phone stopped buzzing late at night, and by Friday they were talking more and resenting less.

Behaviorally, this works because rules live in your “models of reality,” the brain’s compressed shortcuts about how life works. Social proof and authority biases make those shortcuts sticky. By surfacing them in language and testing them with simple experiments, you weaken automaticity and regain agency. The science is straightforward: cognitive reappraisal, implementation intentions, and small-sample experiments reduce stress and improve goal‑consistent behavior. You don’t need to burn down your life, just retire the rules that have expired.

Pick one area this week—say, work—and write down three exact “shoulds” you feel. Now run them through the five-question Brule Test and circle any that fail. Choose one to rewrite as a clear principle you can live by for seven days. Tell anyone affected, like your team or partner, in one honest sentence so expectations match. Track the week in a simple nightly note: Was stress lower, output higher, or connection better? If the new principle helps, keep it and pick the next “should” next week. Give it a try tonight.