Ask what do you want to shift into adult‑to‑adult conversations

You sit across from a peer who seems tight around the eyes. The fluorescent lights hum. You both dance around the issue, adding context, trading examples, pretending you already agree. Your throat feels dry. So you ask, “What do you want?” The room goes quiet in a crisp, almost clean way, like air after rain. They breathe and say, “I want more say in the timeline. I keep finding out late.”

You nod and try a gentle guess. “It sounds like you’re needing more autonomy and maybe respect.” They nod back. You add, “I want to deliver without burning the team out. I need a clear path that we can defend.” The tension shifts. Instead of arguing about dates, you’re now talking about needs, which are surprisingly universal. You describe a simple option: shared checkpoints earlier, and a single doc that shows changes. They offer to make the first draft. The conversation feels adult.

Here’s the part many of us skip. You end by checking tone and safety. “How does this feel?” you ask. To make this work, the brain needs to read the moment as rewarding, not threatening. A simple way to do that is to raise the TERA signals. Tribe: show you’re on the same side. Expectation: make the next step obvious. Rank: offer them the floor first. Autonomy: give real choice. You felt each of these shift as the talk moved from hints to plain talk.

There’s risk in asking directly. You might hear “No” or “Not that, but this.” That’s the point. Adult‑to‑adult conversations let people ask for what they want, knowing the answer may be no. You can almost hear your own heartbeat slowing as the meeting ends. The water in your bottle is warm now, but your nervous system is cooler.

The science is simple. Clarity reduces ambiguity, which the brain often codes as threat. Naming needs links the tactical request to a deeper driver, expanding the number of workable solutions. Raising TERA—Tribe, Expectation, Rank, Autonomy—tilts the context toward reward so thinking stays flexible. I might be wrong, but most “difficult conversations” are mostly unclear conversations that needed one direct question.

In a tense conversation, ask plainly, “What do you want?” Give the silence time to work, then test a guess about the underlying need, like autonomy or understanding. Share your own want just as clearly so you’re operating adult to adult, and sketch options that could meet both sides well enough for now. Keep an eye on TERA: show you’re on the same side, clarify next steps, lower power plays, and offer real choice. Try this in one conversation you’ve been avoiding, and notice how your body feels after.