Stop being "nice" or "tough" and build trust the faster way

Most teams get stuck between two bad choices: be “nice” and say nothing, or be “brutally honest” and wreck trust. There’s a third way that works faster. You hold two dials at once. One is care, the other is challenge. When both are high, people improve quickly and still feel respected. When care is high but challenge is low, work slips and resentment creeps in. When challenge is high but care is low, people comply for a while, then quit in their heads.

Think about the last time a teammate missed a detail. You sighed, fixed it, and told yourself, “Next time.” Next time came, you did the same. Coffee went cold, the fix took longer, and the person never learned. Or maybe you snapped in Slack, and they shut down. Both paths cost more energy than a clear, kind correction right away.

Here’s the mechanism: specific feedback shrinks ambiguity. Ambiguity drains working memory and willpower. A short, timely message—“In the client deck, slide 5 buries the decision; move it up”—reduces cognitive load and gives a target. Pair it with a signal of care—“I know this was a rush; I’ll help you reorder the story”—and you protect the relationship while raising the bar.

A simple micro‑habit keeps you in the high‑care, high‑challenge zone. Use Situation–Behavior–Impact for content, then add a help offer and a question. Delivered in person or on video, it taps mirror neurons, so tone and facial cues land well. Over time, teammates mirror your style with each other. You spend less time mediating, more time building. The science behind this echoes social safety research and deliberate practice: people learn fastest when they feel safe enough to try and accountable enough to stretch.

This week, grab a sheet, draw a quick grid, and plot your last few bits of praise and criticism against care and challenge. Pick one message you know was fuzzy and rewrite it with a clean Situation–Behavior–Impact line. Before your next meeting ends, deliver one clear, kind correction in under two minutes, then ask, “How can I help?” Finally, schedule a five‑minute care check‑in and ask one personal energy question you don’t know the answer to. Keep your tone warm and your ask crisp. You’ll feel the difference right away—less guessing, more doing. Try it with one person before Friday.