Praise character to embody good behavior
Your team at work nails a tight deadline, and it’s tempting to say, “Great job finishing early.” But what if you said, “You’re such a dependable teammate”? Suddenly, individuals internalize reliability as a part of their identity, so they naturally take on new challenges. Psychologists tested this with kids: those praised as “helpers” cleaned up 29% more than peers praised for “helping.” The effect is even more potent when you tie actions to values. Saying, “You’re honest for admitting that slip,” activates empathy and guilt in a positive way. Over time, you’ll see people act consistently with who they are, not just ticking tasks off a list. This identity-based praise is a secret weapon for teams, classrooms, and families who want behavior that lasts.
Next time you commend someone, swap the focus from what they do to who they are—‘You’re so creative,’ ‘You’re so reliable.’ Tie it to the value behind the action, and watch them rise to that identity every day. It’s an easy shift with deep rewards.
What You'll Achieve
You’ll shape identities that align with your desired values, creating teams and relationships where good behavior flows naturally from who people believe themselves to be.
Use identity-based encouragement
Switch to ‘you are’ praise
When a child shares a toy, say “You’re such a generous friend” instead of “That was nice sharing.” Identity praise encourages them to live up to that trait.
Link actions to values
Describe why an action matters. For example, “You’re honest when you admit mistakes—that shows courage,” reinforcing the moral emotion of guilt and empathy.
Reinforce during setbacks
If a child slips, remind them of their identity: “Even heroes make mistakes. You’re still someone who helps others, so let’s fix this together.”
Rotate reference points
Praise character not just for moral acts but for creative choices—“You’re so inventive building that fort”—so they see originality as part of who they are.
Reflection Questions
- Which ‘you are’ compliment could you give right now?
- How can linking actions to values deepen lasting change?
- When have you felt most motivated by identity-based praise?
Personalization Tips
- When your partner unloads the dishwasher without prompting, say “You’re incredibly considerate” to build a culture of mutual care.
- If a friend apologizes sincerely, remind them “You’re a person of integrity” to reinforce their moral identity.
- When a student rewrites a tough essay, say “You’re a true problem-solver” to foster a resilient mindset.
Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World
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