Stop the Unseen Deals Holding You Hostage

The term covert contract was first coined by transactional analysts to describe unspoken deals that govern much of human interaction. Imagine Emily, an accountant who meticulously prepared financial reports for her manager—hoping, unvoiced, for a promotion. When none came, resentment mounted.

Behavioral studies reveal that covert contracts thrive on ambiguity: one party performs with hidden expectations while the other remains oblivious. In Emily’s case, her manager never knew her reports came with dreams of advancement. This mismatch caused friction and angst.

Therapist Robert Glover expanded on this, showing that covert contracts keep Nice Guys trapped in people-pleasing loops. Cognitive psychologist Albert Ellis argued that irrational “shoulds” (I should do this so they should do that) lead to emotional distress. Bringing these hidden deals into the light dismantles them. Once Emily voiced her hope—“I’d like to discuss my career path after the next quarter”—the manager could respond honestly, restoring clarity and goodwill.

First, carve out a moment to unmask your hidden deals—write them down or say them aloud. Feel each silent promise lose its power as you admit it. Then, practice converting one covert deal into a transparent request—“Could you review my performance goals next week?”—and notice how clarity replaces tension. That simple shift rewrites the unspoken rules and frees you from manipulative cycles.