Stop chasing Yes and earn the powerful That’s right through summary

Across studies on behavior change and counseling, one pattern keeps surfacing: people change when they feel deeply understood on their own terms. In negotiations, the signal for this moment isn’t Yes, it’s the phrase, “That’s right.” That’s the brain’s way of marking a mental model as accurate. It’s different from “You’re right,” which people use to make you go away.

Consider a department head arguing against a software rollout. You might be tempted to counter with ROI slides. Instead, you ask, “What’s the toughest part of this for your team right now?” He says the last rollout burned trust, headcount is tight, and his CFO is watching cash. You paraphrase and label in a short summary: “It seems the last rollout cost goodwill and you can’t afford to repeat it. You’re trying to protect your team’s energy and your reputation with finance.” Then you stop talking.

He looks up and says, “That’s right.” Only now is his brain ready for options that match his map. You suggest a five‑week pilot with one team, no new headcount, with a kill switch if metrics slip. This time he’s part of the design and becomes your internal champion.

The science is simple. Summaries that blend facts and feelings recruit System 2 thinking by lowering threat and increasing accuracy. The phrase “That’s right” marks alignment of worldview, giving you normative leverage for the next step. Chase that signal, not a quick Yes, and your proposals will stick.

In your next tough meeting, start with, “What’s the toughest part of this right now?” Listen for facts and fears and write them down. Craft a brief summary that blends labels with paraphrased specifics, then deliver it in a calm voice and hold a pause. Wait for “That’s right.” If you hear “You’re right,” you’re not there yet—ask, “What did I miss?” Once you hear the real signal, offer two options that protect what they care about and ask, “Which one makes more sense to try first?” Use this sequence once this week and note how commitment changes.