Build Connections by Breaking Down Us vs Them
It was only when I volunteered at the local community garden that I realized how little I knew about my neighbors. We planted beans and carrots in silence at first—each of us guarding our assumptions. Then someone asked, “What brought you here?” Suddenly we had stories. Maria fled a war-torn country and found solace in the soil. Omar balanced a full-time job and night school by tending to tomato seedlings.
Research shows we naturally lump outsiders into a generic “they,” exaggerating their similarities and missing their nuance. But shared tasks—turning dirt, planting seeds—force us to switch from “they” to seeing “them” as individuals. Neuroscience calls this activating our default social network, releasing oxytocin and building trust.
Over weeks, our in-group grew to include anyone with gloves and a spade. We tailored our assumptions, dropped old stereotypes, and genuinely worried if someone was absent. That transformation didn’t require grand speeches—just a simple shift from “us vs. them” to “us” by digging in together. (¶100–102)
Start by signing up for a small group activity—a community cook-off, after-work art class, or local run club. Ask each person what motivated them to join, and really listen to their answer. Then volunteer to swap roles or share tasks in that group, so you see their perspective firsthand. Each small step weakens the us-versus-them divide and strengthens empathy—your social world just got richer.
What You'll Achieve
You’ll feel deeper social belonging and understanding of diverse perspectives. Externally, you’ll forge new bonds, reduce conflicts, and build more cooperative teams.
Widen your circle to shrink the out-group
Seek small, shared activities
Join a hobby group or class where you share a simple goal—painting, running, cooking—regardless of background. Early common ground sparks empathy.
Ask perspective-taking questions
When meeting someone new, try “What’s one challenge you’ve faced lately?” Listen openly to their story to humanize and connect.
Rotate group roles
In a team project, switch responsibilities weekly—botanist becomes planner, planner becomes communicator—so you see each other’s strengths and struggles.
Reflection Questions
- Who feels like an outsider in your life, and how could you invite them in?
- What shared task could you do to see someone differently?
- How might rotating roles strengthen your team’s empathy and trust?
Personalization Tips
- An office teams up across departments to plant a desk succulent garden, uniting admin and designers.
- At a community kitchen, neighbors cook for one another, learning cultural recipes side by side.
- A school class with mixed backgrounds pairs up students for a joint art project, building new friendships.
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