Charisma flows when your focus flows outward to others
Ever met someone who made you feel like the only person in the room? That’s charisma in action—an art of fully focusing on others. By shifting attention outward, charismatic people spark emotional safety, making everyone lean forward rather than tune out. In communication research, Professor James Pennebaker found that leaders and rich people actually use “I” less often, because self-focus signals insecurity. Worse yet are diminishers—“I could be wrong, but…”—which act like conversational speed-bumps.
Discovering this truth changed how I interact. In meetings, I stopped opening with “I think” and began asking “How would you tackle this?”—and colleagues started sharing ideas I’d never heard before. Even in casual chats, I noticed when I slipped into “I” territory and gently corrected myself. People started telling me, “I feel seen when you ask, ‘What’s on your mind?’” That sense of being heard is gold.
You can also practice shining—connecting with many by connecting with one. Next time you speak, scan the room and hold your gaze on one listener until their hand drops in connection. Surprisingly, you’ll feel that connection echo through everyone else’s raised hand as well. Scientists call this “thin-slice” perception—60 percent accuracy in one second of watching a face—and it shows why charisma isn’t a born trait but a behavior you can cultivate.
Charisma is not about bombastic presentation; it’s about quiet generosity of attention. When you genuinely tune in, you create a magnetic field that pulls others toward you. It’s the simplest yet most overlooked influence strategy.
Next time you start talking, notice your pronouns. If you catch an “I” creeping in, swap it for “you.” Then practise shifting your focus to one person at a time—direct your attention fully, wait until you feel their connection, and move on. Before long, charisma will feel as natural as breathing. Give it a try at your next meeting or dinner table.
What You'll Achieve
You’ll feel more connected and confident in social and professional settings, and others will find you more trustworthy and engaging. Externally you’ll command more attention; internally you’ll feel less awkward and more present.
Swap ‘I’ for ‘you’ in conversation
Track your pronouns
For one conversation today, count how often you say “I,” “me,” or “my.” Notice when self-focus creeps in, especially when you feel insecure.
Replace shrink-wrap words
Skip diminishers like ‘I just’ or ‘I’m sorry, but.’ Instead, start requests with questions—“What if…?” or “How would you feel…?”—to center others.
Practice shining」
At your next meeting, lock eyes with one person at a time and imagine you’re speaking to only them. Move closer if they still hold up their hand. Notice how everyone else lights up, too.
Reflection Questions
- When do you catch yourself defaulting to ‘I’?
- How does it feel to hold someone’s gaze and then scan the rest of the room?
- In what context could you practice shining this week?
Personalization Tips
- A teacher can substitute “How would you solve this?” for “I think this might work” to empower students.
- In a team meeting, a manager might say, “What’s been your biggest win this week?” instead of “Here’s my update.”
- At home, a partner can say “Tell me about your day” rather than “I had a rough day.”
Influence Is Your Superpower: The Science of Winning Hearts, Sparking Change, and Making Good Things Happen
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