Help kids beat overuse by feeding autonomy, competence, and connection

When kids overuse screens, it’s tempting to blame the device and tighten rules. Often the device is filling a gap: not enough autonomy, not enough chances to feel competent, not enough connection. Start there. Coach the nutrients first, then shape the tech.

A parent told me her twins spent every free minute on an online game. Homework became battles, dinners were silent. One Sunday, they tried a different conversation. No lectures about phones. Just questions: Who do you want to be this week at school? With your friends? At home? The boys said they wanted to be “good teammates,” “up on assignments,” and “fun to be around.” They sketched a week together—sleep, practice, two game windows, two study sprints, a Saturday hang with friends. Phones parked outside bedrooms. On Tuesday, one slipped. They adjusted, not punished.

They also added offline nutrients. The boys picked a simple strength program with trackable progress and planned a pickup game with neighbors. Their dad let them choose which chores to own. A small choice, but it mattered. The house felt looser, kinder. Game time didn’t vanish, it fit.

Picture this as building a foundation of autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Then layer in tech readiness: Do Not Disturb during study, phones out of bedrooms, and explicit screen windows they help define. Kids learn self‑regulation by practicing it with you, not by having it imposed on them. You’re raising a future adult, not managing a device problem.

Sit down this week for a values talk, asking who your child wants to be in three domains—school, friends, home—and listen. Build a weekly template together that includes sleep, school, chores, play, friends, and planned screen windows, letting them propose first. Add offline nutrient sources like unstructured peer play and a skill with visible progress, and give them choices they can own. Teach tech readiness basics—Do Not Disturb, notifications, and no phones in bedrooms—and review the template together next week. Try it this weekend.