Talk so people lean in by putting “you” before “I”

You’re about to ask your manager for a schedule change. Your thumb hovers over the keyboard with a draft that starts, “I was hoping I could…” You stop, breathe, and rewrite, “Could you do without me Friday so I can cover a family appointment?” The reply comes back in minutes: “We can arrange coverage.” The difference is small on paper, large in the brain.

Later you see a friend in a new jacket. “You look sharp in that,” you say. He stands taller. Last week you said, “I like your jacket,” and he just shrugged. The words are cousins, but they don’t live in the same neighborhood. A two‑sentence micro‑anecdote from a barista pops in: you once said, “You make mornings better,” and she smiled wider than any “I love this place.” People hear themselves in “you.”

That night at a networking event, you resist the urge to spray the same grin at everyone in the circle. You let your face respond to each person as if they’re uniquely interesting, because they are. Honestly, it’s more fun than trying to look “on.” You can feel the shift as people linger a beat longer in front of you.

It’s simple framing and cognitive fluency. We all convert “I” language to “what does this mean for me?” You do the conversion for them, reduce mental effort, and make the message feel personal. The exclusive smile does the same nonverbally—selective signals read as sincere attention. Small shifts, big pull.

When you need something, draft the message with “I,” then switch to “you” and read it out loud. Notice how your request anticipates their concern instead of adding work. Aim compliments at the person, not the object, and let your smile be specific to who you’re talking with rather than a pasted mask. Do this with one request and one compliment today so you can feel the different energy you get back. Try it before lunch.