Stop saying but when feelings explode and watch resistance drop

When people hear no, their brains scan for fairness. If they don’t feel understood, they push harder. A small word often makes it worse. But dismisses everything that came before it. “I know you’re upset, but…” can feel like a door shutting. Children hear, “Your feelings don’t count,” and their nervous system fires up. You see louder voices, flailing arms, or icy silence. You feel your chest tighten and your coffee go cold on the counter as the argument loops again.

There’s a simple switch. Start by naming the feeling with precision, then state the constraint using the phrase, “The problem is.” This pairing does two things at once: it validates emotion and clarifies reality. The tone matters. A flat voice sounds like “calm down.” A warm, matching voice says, “I’m with you.” Now you can offer a few options that all work for you. Small choices create agency and reduce the need to fight.

Sometimes there is no satisfying fix. That’s when a short wish in fantasy helps. “I wish I could teleport those shoes dry,” said with a little smile, lets the child feel the want without turning you into the fixer of the impossible. Paradoxically, seeing is soothing. The storm passes faster when the weather is allowed.

This approach rests on two ideas. First, emotion labelling reduces arousal by engaging the prefrontal cortex, a finding often summarized as “name it to tame it.” Second, reactance theory says people resist when they feel their freedom is threatened. Replacing but with the problem is reduces threat and invites problem solving. Choices restore a sense of control, which boosts cooperation. You’re not sugar‑coating limits. You’re making them easier to accept.

Start by saying out loud what the feeling looks like, then swap but for the problem is to keep the door open. Offer two or three choices you can live with, and when there’s no perfect fix, add one light wish in fantasy to show you see the desire. Keep your tone warm and concise so your words soothe, not inflame. Try it at the next shoe or homework standoff and notice how quickly the volume drops. Give it a try tonight.