Turn conflicts into commitment with Address–Process–Resolve and clean anger

Two project leads, Maya and Chris, were one bad meeting away from a blowup. Deliverables slipped, the client frowned, and the room went icy. In their debrief, Chris opened with motives: “You don’t care about timelines,” which predictably lit Maya’s fuse. A mentor stepped in and asked them to try a three‑step loop: Address, Process, Resolve. First pass, they re‑stated the week like a timeline—“Brief finalized Friday 6pm, assets missing Monday 9am, client called at noon.” The air cleared when the story lost its accusations.

Processing took longer. Maya admitted she felt cornered, a throwback to a previous job where late‑night pings meant failure. Chris named his fear of losing the account after two rough quarters. They noticed how both sped up when scared—Maya by over‑promising, Chris by micromanaging. Each took two minutes to summarize the other. Coffee went cold, but their shoulders dropped.

Resolution was short by design. They agreed to a “stop at three” rule for last‑minute changes and a Thursday noon asset freeze. To protect it, they planned a 10‑minute Wednesday check‑in and used a shared board to avoid “Didn’t see it” spirals. Before they left, the mentor ran an anger audit. No insults, no revenge plans, time‑limited. Clean enough to proceed.

Three weeks later, the client’s tone softened. Internally, they still had tense moments, but the APR loop gave them rails to return to. The science under this is basic and strong. Fact‑first narration reduces attribution error and lowers physiological arousal. Validated emotion processing increases accuracy and empathy, shifting the brain from threat to problem‑solving networks. Implementation intentions plus public commitments raise follow‑through. An anger audit protects dignity, the core of sustainable collaboration.

In your next tense debrief, start by narrating what happened like a timeline and ban motive‑reading for five minutes. Then trade two minutes each to share feelings and what the moment echoed from past experience, followed by a quick summary of the other’s view. Close with one small, specific agreement and how you’ll support it, like a mid‑week check‑in or a shared board. Before you break, skim your anger against a quick chart—no insults, no threats, short and focused—and adjust if you crossed a line. Keep it brief, keep it repeatable, and test it this week.