Stop fighting people and start fixing the problem you share
You walk into the conversation with your shoulders tight and your coffee already cooling on the desk. Last week’s project change still stings, and your brain keeps whispering, “They don’t respect our time.” Before you say anything about timelines, you pull up a note labeled People Check: Perception, Emotion, Communication. Under Perception you write, “They think we’re blockers.” Under Emotion you note, “I’m annoyed and a little anxious.” For Communication, you add, “We interrupt each other, emails escalate.” It takes two minutes, and your pulse slows.
When they join the call, you open differently. “You’ve got a deadline and changes from us look like sand in the gears. Did I capture that?” There’s a brief, surprised silence, then a “Yeah, that’s exactly it.” You add, “I’m worried about late changes too, and I might be wrong, but I think we’re tripping over unclear handoffs.” You propose two ground rules for the next 30 minutes: paraphrase before disagreeing, and capture action items on one shared page. Your phone buzzes once, but you ignore it and stick with the plan.
A small moment lands. They describe a morning when three messages gave conflicting direction. You share a micro‑anecdote: yesterday, two Slack threads had opposite priorities, so your team did neither. It gets a laugh, then a nod. With the heat turned down, you sketch a simple fix: one weekly 15‑minute sync, a single request channel, and a “red flag” emoji for urgent changes. They add a smart tweak—rotate who owns the notes so both sides feel heard.
Underneath this shift is solid science. When you separate people from the problem, you address perception, emotion, and communication as distinct tasks. Paraphrasing activates listening and reduces threat. I‑statements lower defensiveness. Simple process norms create a safer container for disagreement. The result isn’t magic, it’s repeatable: less reactivity, more problem‑solving, and agreements people can live with.
Before you dive into substance, run your quick preflight: write Perception, Emotion, and Communication, and list one obstacle under each. Start by steelmanning their view and ask what you missed. Share a brief I‑statement about your concern tied to one concrete example. Then suggest two ground rules—paraphrase before disagreeing and capture decisions in writing—and treat any slip as a process hiccup, not a personal flaw. These small moves create safety without giving up your needs. Try them in your next tricky chat, even if it’s just a ten‑minute hallway conversation. Give it a try tonight.
What You'll Achieve
Internally, you’ll feel calmer and less defensive by labeling perceptions and emotions. Externally, you’ll reduce miscommunication, shorten cycles of argument, and reach clearer agreements with fewer hard feelings.
Run a people‑problem preflight check
Name the people issues explicitly
Before discussing substance, write three headings on a page: Perception, Emotion, Communication. Under each, jot what might be getting in the way (e.g., “They think we don’t care about safety,” “I’m frustrated,” “We talk past each other”). Naming reduces reactivity and guides your plan.
Steelman their view out loud
Open by summarizing their viewpoint better than they can. Ask, “What did I miss?” This shows respect, reduces defensiveness, and corrects your blind spots. Example: “You’re under deadline, and surprise requests throw off your crew scheduling—did I get that right?”
Surface feelings without blame
Use short I‑statements: “I’m concerned about late changes,” not “You ignore timelines.” Pair with a specific, recent example to keep it concrete. Invite their emotions too: “What’s been most frustrating on your side?”
Set simple comms rules
Agree on two to three norms: one person talks at a time, paraphrase before disagreeing, capture decisions in writing. Treat violations as process glitches, not moral failures: “Let’s pause and get back to our rule of paraphrasing first.”
Reflection Questions
- Which perception gap keeps derailing this relationship?
- What emotion am I reluctant to name, and how might it leak into my tone?
- What two communication norms would make our next meeting easier?
- Where can I paraphrase first to lower defensiveness?
Personalization Tips
- Parenting: Tell your teen, “You want independence, and curfews feel unfair—what did I miss?” before discussing hours.
- Sports team: A captain paraphrases a teammate’s concern about playing time, then agrees on check‑ins after practices.
Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
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