Build Your Connection Muscle with the Imago Dialogue

Medium - Requires some preparation Recommended

When I first tried the Imago Dialogue with my wife, I thought it sounded formulaic: Permission, Mirror, Validate, Empathize. It felt almost robotic to ask “Is that right?” after every line.
But I gave it a try on a Saturday fight about household chores. After five minutes of real effort I realized she hadn’t felt this calm in years. She wasn’t counterattacking, and I wasn’t withdrawing. We were simply hearing each other. The whole script seemed strange, like speaking a foreign language at first, but as the minutes passed, it felt more natural.

Imagine your partner starting to speak—ask “Is this a good time?” Then lower your internal volume and repeat each phrase back with an honest tone. Say “That makes sense” and “I can imagine you felt that way.” Keep going until they’re done. Then switch roles and flood yourself with that same respect and empathy.

What You'll Achieve

You’ll shift from siloed thinking to shared understanding, turning arguments into collaborative problem-solving sessions. As you practice, both you and your partner will feel safer, more connected, and more willing to show vulnerability.

Turn conflict into caring conversations

Ask permission to talk.

Start by asking “Is now a good time?” This shows respect for your partner’s space and primes both of you to listen.

Mirror without interpretation.

Repeat what your partner said exactly or in your own words—no judgment or added meaning. Then ask “Is that right?” to confirm.

Validate their logic.

Say “That makes sense, given how you felt.” Don’t argue; simply affirm why their thoughts hold up in their world.

Empathize with their feelings.

Offer “I can imagine that felt scary” or “I sense you were really proud,” then check in—“Is that close?” This completes their sense of being heard.

Reflection Questions

How does it feel to truly hear your partner’s words without jumping in?
What resistance do you experience when validating instead of replying?
Which part of the four-step Dialogue feels most foreign—and why?

Personalization Tips

At work, mirror a colleague’s project concerns before brainstorming together.
When your teen vents frustration, echo their words and validate their teenage perspective.
With a friend, repeat their travel anxieties and acknowledge why big flights feel frightening.