Break Free from Either/Or Traps in Tough Talks

When facing a tough choice—like confronting a friend or negotiating a budget—it’s easy to feel trapped. You think, ‘I have to argue my point or stay silent.’ That’s a Sucker’s Choice. These false dilemmas keep you stuck between Scylla and Charybdis.

Picture Anna, who juggles career and family. She thought she had to pick between a promotion and family dinners.Each felt precious and nonnegotiable. But one afternoon she framed a both/and question: ‘How can I advance professionally and still have dinner with my kids?’ Just asking it sent her mind hunting for options.

With that shift, Anna realized she could negotiate a slightly later start and a compressed workweek—preserving family nights and earning her raise. She’d never discovered this if she hadn’t refused the either/or trap.

Behavioral science calls this counterintuitive move ‘cognitive reframing.’ By expanding your question space, you invite your brain to invent choices it never considered. This principle underlies creativity in design thinking and problem-solving labs around the world.

Next time you’re stuck, name the Sucker’s Choice, clarify what you don’t want, state what you do want, and ask your both/and question. You’ll crack open options you thought were locked away.

When you hit a roadblock—say, ‘Should I talk or stay quiet?’—stop and call it out as a Sucker’s Choice. Then jot down the nightmare of each option and contrast it with what you really want on both sides. Finally, ask yourself an open-ended both/and question like ‘How can we find a fair middle ground?’ Brainstorm solutions with a trusted friend and see just how many doors open.