Catch Your Auto-Pilot with 3Qs Every Time

You’re sitting at your desk when your boss emails, "We need to chat." Your chest tightens and adrenaline spikes. This isn’t about the project; it’s the old knot of fear you felt as a teen facing a disapproving parent. You pause. "Who does this remind me of?" you ask yourself. Suddenly you see that teen you, heart racing at the dinner table after a careless remark from Mom.

Next you ask, "Where did this start?" You remember receiving a failing grade and your father’s stern look. That look said more than words ever could: "You’re not enough." Your knee-jerk reaction at work is actually a carry-over from home.

Finally, you ask, "Why is this still controlling me?" You realize you’ve been unwittingly playing that scared teen role for years. Naming the pattern deflates its power.

By catching the signal and asking these three boundary questions, you transform a reflexive reaction into a conscious choice—an approach supported by psychodynamic theory and research on transference. Now you can respond with composure.

Next time you feel a surge of guilt, fear, or defensiveness, pause and mentally ask, “Who does this remind me of? When did I first feel this? Why is it still happening?” Notice the breakthrough in awareness and hold space for a more intentional response. Try it at your next meeting.