Choose compassion over pity to bridge real human connection

We all want to be the person someone can turn to when they’re hurting. Yet my first impulse is often pity—the voice that says “Oh, that poor thing.” That instinct distances me, because pity draws a line between “me” and “them.” One afternoon, my friend Lisa sent me a text about a rough meeting where she was publicly humiliated by her manager. My brain whispered “I feel so sorry for you,” but I caught myself and wrote instead, “That must’ve felt brutal. I’ve been there.” I remembered my own blindsided moment, and maintained that thin bridge of shared experience. Lisa replied that those three words made her feel seen for the first time that day.

Compassion goes deeper than feeling sorry; it’s a shared human bond fueled by empathy and action. When we pause that first pity-driven response and pivot to genuine curiosity—“What was that like for you?”—we open a space of trust. In that space, people can lean in, not back away. Studies show this empathic approach not only eases others’ pain, but also strengthens social bonds, boosts well-being, and fosters more resilient relationships.

The key is humility and presence. We don’t need grand gestures or brilliant advice; a quiet question, a compassionate statement, and an offer to sit alongside is medicine. As researchers say, compassion is a “virtuous response” that heals by acknowledging another’s suffering without judgment. It’s not about fixing; it’s about witnessing. And sometimes, that’s the greatest gift.

Next time you witness pain—whether with a friend, child, or colleague—catch the pity. Choose compassion, and notice how the relationship softens. That’s real human connection.

When someone confides their pain, catch your first impulse of pity—“I feel so sorry for you”—and pause. Instead, ground yourself in a memory of your own similar struggle, then ask, “What was that like for you?” and “What do you need right now?” Offer a brief empathic statement—“That sounds really hard”—and simply sit alongside them, fully present without judgment. Give it a try the next time a friend or family member opens up to you.