Why Kids (and Adults) Can't Always Think Before Acting—The Upstairs-Downstairs Brain Dilemma

Sometimes a child’s meltdown is so dramatic, it leaves you wondering whether anything you say will matter. But not all tantrums are the same. Neuroscience explains why: the brain works like a house with an unfinished upstairs and a fully functioning downstairs. The downstairs brain, present from infancy, controls survival reactions like anger, fear, and impulsive movement. The upstairs brain, responsible for reason and self-management, is under construction well into a person’s twenties.

This means in high-emotion moments, a child literally might not have access to reason—or, when strategic, might be running a calculated experiment to see if they can get what they want through theatrics. Recognizing which type of tantrum you’re facing guides you. For a downstairs, out-of-control crisis fuelled by an overwhelmed amygdala, your words will not soothe until the storm passes. Comfort and hold, prioritizing calming the nervous system. For the upstairs, planned protest, calmly stand firm—boundary and confidence are the lessons here.

By learning to distinguish these, you sidestep unnecessary battles, tailor your responses, and give everyone space to find footing before talking things through.

Be on the lookout for whether your child’s angry outburst is a true loss of control or a calculated protest. If it’s the downstairs brain at work, focus first on comforting them until their body settles and you see signs of calm. Later, revisit the rules or problem-solve together. If it seems upstairs-driven, explain boundaries clearly and follow through on consequences without drama or overreaction. Adjusting your approach based on your child’s actual brain state not only reduces stress, but also models the emotional wisdom you want them to develop. See what happens if you test this insight for just one week.