From 'Stuck' to 'Secure': How Attachment Styles Shift Over Time

You’ve always pegged yourself as 'the anxious one' in relationships, or maybe thought you’d never be able to handle closeness well. But research tells a different story: styles aren’t set in stone. Roughly a quarter of people shift their style significantly in adulthood, often after experiencing what it’s like to be with someone secure.

You revisit your memories—maybe that college friend who never flew off the handle, or your aunt who asked about your day and seemed to mean it. You jot down notes: 'She always listens before speaking'; 'He kept calm even in chaos.' Inspired, you picture yourself in tomorrow’s tough work meeting or family dinner, trying out that steady tone and straightforward language. It feels foreign at first, even bold. But after making that move once, you sense a ripple—less anxiety, more respect, sometimes even a better reply from the other side.

With each small experiment, your definition of who you can be in relationships starts to shift. Security is built, not baked in.

Close your eyes and pick out one real-life secure role model, even if you only know them a little. Describe to yourself or on paper what they do when things get rocky. This week, in a low-stakes interaction—maybe with a friend, sibling, or coworker—try to borrow one of their secure moves: clear words, a patient tone, or just a steady presence. Notice after what changed inside you and how the other person reacted. Repeat it a few more times; each attempt unlocks a little more of the security that’s always been yours to grow.