Why Making Your Body a Fortress Doesn’t Shield You From Hurt

After going through distressing events, many people try to protect themselves by developing emotional or physical barriers—ways to avoid more pain. This self-protection can take many forms: overeating, silence, perfectionism, or keeping people at arm’s length. These protective strategies, originally designed to shield us, often start out feeling empowering. They provide relief and a sense of control when life feels overwhelming.

But as time goes on, what helped us survive can gradually become a cage. These defenses, while reducing vulnerability, can also block out joy, intimacy, or new experiences. The act of fortifying oneself can turn into a habit of self-isolation or self-denial. This cycle is reinforced by cultural messages about strength, gender, and appearance, making people—especially women—feel they must shrink, disappear, or prove themselves worthy of love by meeting impossible standards.

A seemingly harmless behavior, like avoiding social gatherings, may begin as a way to dodge judgment or questions but end up creating deeper loneliness. Similarly, using food or deliberate invisibility as armor can offer false safety while reinforcing shame and self-blame.

Neuroscientific research shows that habitual avoidance and self-protective behavior, if unchecked, may hardwire both the brain and body to stay in 'defense mode', perpetuating anxiety and limiting growth. Recognizing when protection turns into self-imprisonment is the first step toward reclaiming agency and connection.

Begin by honestly naming the ways you protect yourself—whether it's keeping distance in conversations, always putting on a brave face, or numbing emotions. For each, take time to recall when and why you first started leaning on that strategy, writing even a few lines about the memories or triggers connected to it. Ask yourself, is this habit still serving to keep you safe, or is it more often making life smaller? Pick just one instance where being 'protected' actually forced you to miss out. When you're ready, reach out to someone trustworthy and explore what it would mean to experiment with lowering just one of those walls. No need to tackle everything—just start with self-awareness and one gentle step.