Healing Fantasies and Role-Selves: Why Childhood Coping Becomes Adult Self-Sacrifice

In the stillness of a late Thursday evening, as traffic murmurs outside, you remember lying on your childhood bed, picturing yourself one day being the favorite—if only you were a bit quieter, funnier, or more helpful. Over time, these daydreams harden into a silent motto: ‘If I’m always there for others, I will finally be loved.’

Decades pass. Now you’re the friend everyone leans on, the employee who sticks around after hours, the partner who makes jokes to smooth over tension. Sometimes, after giving and giving, resentment bubbles beneath the politeness. At night, a familiar anxiety rattles through you: ‘Will I always have to work this hard just to belong?’

These are not just bad habits—they stem from the ‘healing fantasies’ and family roles picked up to survive growing up emotionally deprived. Science tells us these stories were once vital: Childhood minds built them for hope. But they rarely fit with adult reality, trapping us in expectations that never quite play out. Recognizing your own fantasy and role-self is the first step toward genuine connection.

Tonight, carve out ten quiet minutes. Write one statement about what you wish from others—perhaps that they’d simply notice you without you doing anything special. Then jot down the version of yourself you become to win attention or approval, even if it’s as small as cracking jokes or downplaying your wins. Sit with these truths, comparing them to the way you handle relationships today. Next time you sense yourself slipping into your old role, try pausing and expressing a small preference or feeling without overfunctioning. Notice how it feels to let the real you peek out, even for a moment.