Changing the Story: Why Marriage Should Never Be Your Biggest Goal
From birthday wishes to school essays, young girls are showered with hopes for finding the 'right husband'—a future mapped by partnership as destination. Walk into a graduation party and the card reads, 'Wishing you a happy marriage one day.' But alongside, boys receive wishes for adventure, leadership, or achievements outside the home. Even online profiles reinforce the slant—women describe themselves as wives and mothers before anything else, while men use identity tied to work or creation.
At a family dinner, one aunt insists, 'It’s time you became Mrs. Someone.' Instead, you gently deflect, saying, 'My next goal is learning French.' You notice the surprise, but also curiosity. Children at the table catch on, asking each other what adventures they want to try, what skills they hope to master.
Developmental psychologists note that societies valuing marriage as a unique achievement for women foster anxiety and imbalance—girls become preoccupied with worthiness, boys internalize the message that their value lies elsewhere. Equitable, achievement-focused aspirations build resilience and purpose, and redefine what fulfillment looks like at every stage.
In your next conversation with a friend, child, or family member, steer talk away from marriage or relationship status as an end goal. Highlight dreams, talents, and adventures instead, opening up space for different kinds of self-definition. If cultural milestones or descriptions come up—like using 'Mrs.' first—invite a gentle conversation about what else you or others are proud of. Give praise for growth, effort, or acts of kindness, and make achievement about living fully, not about ticking a traditional box. Watch for the relief and freedom that comes from letting go of narrow narratives.
What You'll Achieve
A sense of self-worth independent of relationship status, new metrics for success, and a culture that values individuals for who they are and what they contribute.
Decouple Identity and Achievement from Relationship Status
Separate personal worth from marital status in daily discussion.
Stop treating marriage as the prize for growing up, and avoid using 'Mrs.' or 'wife' as your first descriptor for yourself or others.
Encourage conversations with children about goals that focus on skill, growth, and community.
Praise achievements and dreams unrelated to marriage or partnerships, expanding their sense of possibility.
Question cultural rituals or media that reinforce marriage as the ultimate marker of success.
Debate and dissect family traditions, social media posts, or school lessons that link womanhood with marital status.
Reflection Questions
- How do your family or social groups rank marriage compared to other forms of achievement?
- When did you first feel pressure to define yourself by your relationships, and how did it shape your choices?
- What messages about status or fulfillment do you want future generations to inherit?
- How can you celebrate all aspects of a person’s growth—partnership included, but not prioritized?
Personalization Tips
- When writing a biography, a student lists academic or creative goals ahead of family status.
- During a holiday, a parent encourages kids to define success by kindness, learning, or friendship.
- At work, an employee highlights milestones unrelated to relationship milestones in their year-end review.
Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions
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