Why Comparing Suffering Is a Trap—and How All Pain Deserves Compassion

It’s almost a reflex—when feeling down, you remind yourself that, somewhere, someone else faces 'real' problems like war or tragedy. Maybe a friend says, 'At least you’re not as bad off as they are,' or you do this to yourself as a way to shut down your own feelings.

But comparing pain actually intensifies shame and isolation. Research finds that when people minimize their suffering, they seek less help, tell fewer truths, and recover more slowly. Therapists see it all the time: someone feels devastated over a breakup but won’t grieve because 'others have it worse.' Instead of healing, they get stuck, unable to move forward.

Pain is pain. It’s not a contest. The social psychologist Kristen Neff developed the concept of 'self-compassion,' showing that people who validate their own distress—not inflate it, but honor it—experience greater resilience and motivation. Extending your own empathy (even if it feels awkward at first) reduces the sense of being uniquely broken or unworthy, and it teaches you how to be present for others, too.

So, the next time you catch yourself ranking miseries, try to remember: there’s space for everyone’s struggles, including yours.

When you notice yourself thinking your pain isn't 'bad enough' to matter or that you shouldn't complain, pause and honestly write down exactly what you're feeling, no comparisons. Imagine how you'd comfort a friend who felt the same way and say those words to yourself, even just mentally. This small act of validation helps you move forward without guilt and opens you up to real healing. Let your own experience count—you deserve support, too.