Why Your Default Reactions Are Shields—and How to See Beyond Them

Everyone develops defenses—automatic, knee-jerk ways of thinking or acting that help us avoid pain or discomfort. Imagine someone who always changes the subject when conversations get emotional, or another person who lashes out at the smallest criticism, making others walk on eggshells. You might know people who joke about everything or seem to go silent when anyone gets too close to the truth.

At first, these habits might look like personality quirks. But, as countless therapy sessions reveal, they’re often ways people unconsciously protect themselves from vulnerable feelings: the fear of not being accepted, the sting of loss, or the shame of past mistakes. You see it in a parent who blames everyone else for family problems, or the student who never asks for help because needing support feels weak. Sometimes the most abrasive or distant people are guarding the deepest wounds.

Therapists are trained to look beneath these patterns—sometimes called 'defenses' in psychology. Defenses aren’t bad in themselves; they can shield us from overwhelming emotions temporarily. But when they become an old script we play over and over, they stop us from connecting deeply, growing, or healing.

Understanding your own shields takes practice and honesty. The research points to the concept of 'defense mechanisms'—unconscious psychological strategies that protect us from unacceptable feelings. Recognizing when you’re acting from habit rather than genuine response gives you the space to make new choices and, gradually, rewrite the story you’re telling about yourself.

Start by paying close attention to your emotional spikes—the moments you bristle, snap, or retreat. This week, write these instances down and, for each, consider what softer emotion might lurk beneath the surface. The next time a defense arises, try holding back from your usual response for just a heartbeat, and let yourself share a vulnerable thought or stay silent and notice the discomfort. Reflect afterwards on how your body and the other person responded. By repeating these steps, you slowly peel back the automatic shield and learn what true, open connection feels like. Try this experiment the next time tension bubbles up.