Your Values Shape Your Problems—Are Yours Making You Miserable?

Everywhere you turn, society hands you a script for success—be wealthier, more admired, always right, constantly positive. But following this script leaves many people anxious, insecure, and feeling like they’re never enough. Why?

It comes down to values: the hidden criteria you use to judge yourself and others. Sometimes, these values may not even be your own—they might be absorbed from parents, friends, or media. For example, if you believe being right is everything, you’ll argue to exhaustion and miss the joy of learning. Measuring yourself by how many likes you get turns every post into a potential disappointment. Research shows that people whose values are internal and controllable—like integrity, effort, kindness—are more content than those who only focus on external markers like popularity, status, or being perfect.

Changing your values isn’t about pretending problems don’t exist, but about swapping out the ones that create unnecessary suffering for ones that give your efforts meaning. Good values are honest, actionable, and reality-based. Bad values are uncontrollable, superficial, and drain you of satisfaction, no matter how hard you chase them.

Grab a pen and jot down the things you most often use to judge your own success—money, achievement, other people’s opinions, or maybe just always feeling happy. For each one, ask yourself honestly, 'Does focusing on this make me feel empowered or drained?' Challenge yourself to strip away one shallow metric—maybe you let go of needing everyone to agree with you—in favor of something deeper, like contributing or growing each day. Practice swapping these values whenever you catch yourself stuck; soon, your self-worth will work for you, not against you.