Why Pursuing Positivity Can Make You Feel Worse

It's common to find yourself feeling anxious, then quickly feeling anxious that you're anxious. Maybe you’re ashamed that disappointment still haunts you days after missing out on something, or you berate yourself for not being as upbeat as others seem on social media. This double-layered suffering is known as a 'feedback loop from hell.' It can turn a temporary emotional bump into a spiral of self-criticism and shame.

Imagine a student sitting in class, heart pounding before a big presentation. She feels worried—normal enough—but the problem multiplies when she thinks, 'Everyone else is so relaxed. What’s wrong with me?' Not only is she nervous, but now she’s judging herself for being nervous, feeling doubly flawed. She spends the lunch break scrolling through photos of smiling classmates, which only feeds the loop. The discomfort grows until it feels inescapable.

This isn’t personal weakness: it’s a side effect of our culture’s over-promotion of positivity. When you’re sold the idea that only happiness, achievement, or confidence are acceptable, any deviation feels like a personal failure. Research on emotions shows that trying to suppress or avoid negative feelings actually increases their intensity and frequency, leading to more distress.

Breaking out of this cycle begins with understanding that negative emotions are not evidence of defectiveness—they are its own valid experiences. Accepting them halts the feedback loop, opening up space for self-compassion. The most resilient mindsets aren’t built on avoiding discomfort, but acknowledging it’s simply part of the human experience.

Next time you start feeling upset, pause and see if you can catch yourself feeling bad about another negative emotion. Don’t rush to 'fix' or hide the discomfort—just accept that it’s happening, and let yourself feel it, even for a minute or two. If social media feeds or endless motivational memes push you into the trap of thinking happiness is the only correct emotion, step away and make space for voices that recognize real ups and downs. Remember, compassion for yourself—especially when your feelings feel all wrong—is the first step to snapping out of the feedback loop and back into real life.