The Harmful Illusion of Emotional Control—Why Acceptance Beats Avoidance Every Time

Think back to the last time disappointment or fear rose up unexpectedly—a stinging comment, a sudden setback, even a traffic jam making you late. For most people, the reflex is to push away uneasy feelings by distraction, denial, or self-judgment. You might even notice a cascade: sadness triggers frustration, which then leads to guilt—you’re angry about being anxious about being angry. It’s no wonder these emotions can snowball and leave you feeling stuck, or worn out.

Now, try something different. Tune into your body and ask yourself 'Where do I feel this?' Maybe your shoulders tense, your breath gets shallow, or your jaw clenches. In this moment, the goal is to simply notice, not fix. Breathe slowly, bring awareness to that sensation, and silently narrate its qualities: 'tightness in my chest,' 'heaviness behind my eyes.' You don't have to like it—just let it sit with you, like holding open a door for a guest you didn’t invite but can tolerate for a while.

This practice is called 'expansion,' and it runs counter to most advice you’ve probably been given about feelings. Expansion isn’t resignation or 'giving up.' It’s a gentle, deliberate way to end the exhausting cycle of fighting your emotions. Over time, the experience becomes less overwhelming, and you gain freedom to act—even while the feeling is present. The inner struggle fades, replaced by a calm willingness to let experience move through you. Behavioral science calls this skill psychological flexibility, and research confirms it is central to resilience and well-being.

The next time you feel an emotion threaten to pull you under, pause before you react or distract yourself. Notice what your mind says about the feeling—maybe calling it 'bad' or 'dangerous.' Instead, bring your attention to your breath, and scan for where this feeling sits in your body. Quietly name what you find—its size, shape, and energy. Tell yourself you don’t have to like it, but allow it space for just a minute or two. This small act can turn down the volume and turn off the instinctive 'struggle switch,' restoring calm for whatever comes next. Try this gentle, mindful expansion as your homework after a tough moment today.