How breaking your security cycle is the scariest, smartest move you’ll ever make

You might not notice it at first, the way you slip into calling that one person—the one who’s always there to fix things—every time you hit a snag. For years, it feels comforting, even normal: a late-night phone call after a fallout with a roommate, an emergency loan, a ride home after making a bad choice. But with enough repetition, that safety net starts to shape your decisions. When you know someone will catch you, why not jump, even recklessly?

One afternoon, you decide to challenge yourself. Instead of dialing the usual number after your car breaks down or you blow a presentation, you pause. Your hands itch to call, your heart races, but you try troubleshooting alone—reading the manual, asking someone you barely know at work. The result isn’t always magical. Sometimes it’s awkward, slow, or less-than-perfect. But a funny thing happens: On day four, you realize you haven’t had to apologize, didn’t trigger old drama, and didn’t instantly reach for reassurance. You discover you can weather embarrassment and find odd allies. Evenings feel a bit quieter, but you sense—maybe for the first time—that you’re not just a passenger in your own life.

Research in behavioral psychology describes this as 'learned dependency.' When positive reinforcement for help-seeking is abundant, our brains default to it as the fastest route out of discomfort. Yet sustainable adult growth, and even happiness, often come from enduring short-term anxiety to access new skills and autonomy. In other words, by pausing and feeling the discomfort, you grant yourself space for aha moments and new neural pathways—key ingredients for resilience and confidence.

Take just a week and notice where you default to the same person or crutch when something small goes wrong. Instead, try to solve minor setbacks on your own—whether that's fixing a basic tech problem, making social plans, or managing emotions without reaching out for instant reassurance. Keep track of what it feels like, what works, and what's hard. Then, talk honestly with a friend or mentor about which dependencies serve you and which are holding you back. The real growth starts when you let discomfort teach you; give this practice a real shot before looping someone else in.