The Real Secret of Influence: Always Start with What the Other Person Wants

In any domain—sales, teaching, parenting—the instinct to lead with our own solutions is strong. Yet the most impactful results always begin with understanding the other person’s perspective. Behavioral psychology refers to this as “perspective taking” and “needs-based negotiation.”

Consider a story where someone tried to push a new product, only to be met with polite resistance—or, worse, indifference. Contrast that with an approach where the same salesperson, teacher, or leader first inquires what the other person really needs, what keeps them up at night, or what they hope to accomplish. The difference is palpable: skepticism turns to engagement, barriers drop, and real dialogue begins.

Numerous experiments, from classic Rogersian counseling to recent discoveries in negotiation science, show that influence is not about clever arguments—it is about showing you truly understand what matters to others, and helping them clarify what they want for themselves. While this seems simple, it’s a difficult skill to master and explains why so many miss the mark despite good intentions.

Next time you’re tempted to jump in with a suggestion or pitch, pause and ask the other person what they really want, or what’s hardest right now. Really listen—repeat what you hear and ask a deeper question instead of immediately offering a solution. When you finally do have an idea to share, link it directly to what they care about most. Practice making their needs—not your own—the starting point of your conversation, and notice how much easier influence becomes.