Why Chasing Your Mother’s Approval Keeps You Trapped in Self-Doubt

Every time you were about to share good news with your mom—a test grade, a new job, a freshly painted room—there was a little knot in your stomach. You waited for a smile, or even just a nod of approval, but so often her response landed with a cold thud. Sometimes it was outright criticism, a sideways comment about your dress or how you should have done more. Other times, she would quickly change the subject to her own day.

It seemed like chasing her approval became a way to prove yourself, even when the pattern was always the same: anticipation, a let-down, and an empty ache. Maybe, for a second, if she did say something nice, you felt a fleeting glow. But it fizzled fast. Soon you were back to wondering what more you could do, believing next time you’d finally fill that gap.

After a while—and maybe only with help from a therapist, a trusted friend, or a brave look in the mirror—you started to realize this cycle was hurting you. The constant reaching left you on edge, hyper-aware of criticism, and never at peace with your own efforts.

Behavioral science tells us that our brains wire deeply around the patterns and rewards of early parent relationships. What’s learned is that love—and, specifically, being worthy—must be earned by pleasing others, not just by being yourself. Breaking this cycle requires shifting the source of validation from outside (your mother) to inside (yourself), incrementally. The reward system in your mind doesn't change overnight, but with deliberate action and self-affirmation, those neural pathways can be rewired toward genuine self-trust.

Next time you catch yourself hungry for your mother's approval—whether it's sharing a new recipe, news about your life, or even just a photo—pause and breathe. Remember those times when the praise never came or didn't last, and notice what you expected to feel. This time, instead, decide to honor yourself: celebrate your own work, offer yourself simple, direct praise, and take a private moment to let yourself feel proud. Over time, these small switches build up, freeing you from the endless quest for her approval. Let yourself start today.