When Violence Feeds Identity—The Feedback Loop of Destructive Coping

When pain or loss piles up, it’s easy to respond by lashing out, shutting down, or leaning into numbing comforts, especially if that’s what you learned growing up. At first, these strategies seem to help—they provide instant relief, distract from what hurts, and defend you from feeling helpless. But over time, repeating the same response in every crisis solidifies it as part of your identity. Suddenly, you’re not just someone who gets angry—you’re 'the tough one who never backs down.'

This identity loop is especially strong when violence, control, or self-destruction is rewarded by circumstances or peers. If the only recognition you got as a kid was through outbursts, bravado, or toughness in the face of pain, your brain wires itself to expect and repeat those patterns whenever you're threatened, bored, or alone. Science calls this 'behavioral reinforcement,' your nervous system learning by example and reward.

The good news: even after years of running the same patterns, choosing a different response once—even if it feels silly or wrong—begins to weaken the old wiring. Over time, you can build a new story for yourself, one act at a time, until it feels real. It’s not fast or easy, but changing the script changes your life.

Next time you feel that old stress or anger rising, pause and really notice what your go-to habit is—maybe snapping at someone, reaching for comfort food, or disappearing behind your phone. Ask yourself who you’ve been rehearsing to be through these choices, and what story you want to keep supporting. Then, as a first step, try one alternative response. Call a friend instead of withdrawing, use a joke to lighten the moment, or simply say what’s bothering you directly. These small changes may feel strange, but each one chips away at the old identity and helps shape a different future. Give it a try and keep track of what happens.