Growing Up More Slowly: Why Teens Delay Traditional Milestones

Lisa realized one afternoon that her 17-year-old daughter, Sophie, still depended on her for nearly everything outside of academics. From school drop-offs to negotiating social plans, Lisa was the go-to for reminders, rides, and approvals. One humid Friday, as Sophie texted from her room asking for lunch money, Lisa remembered being out with friends at sixteen, negotiating petty cash herself, making mistakes—and learning from them.

Feeling the weight of this new normal, Lisa worried that Sophie wasn't getting small, low-stakes chances to stumble and recover. So, they sat together at the kitchen table, scribbling a list: What could Sophie try doing for herself this month? Sophie shrugged, hesitant, already dreading the idea of calling to schedule her own dentist appointment. But they agreed she would manage her allowance for weekend fun, pick a day to go out with friends using public buses, and check in about how it felt each week.

There were awkward moments—a missed bus, overspending on snacks—but with each stumble, Sophie gained a touch more confidence. Lisa found she enjoyed seeing her daughter reflect during their weekly tea talks, sharing what bugged her, what seemed easy, and what could get better. Over time, Lisa saw Sophie become less anxious about new things, and Sophie admitted she liked the sense of control, even if it came with a few bumps along the way.

Behavioral science tells us autonomy develops through real practice, not just permission. Gradually increasing responsibilities, while maintaining support, allows teens to internalize a sense of competence and prepare for adult roles. Life history theory shows that patterns of 'slower' development are not wrong, but that small, intentional steps toward independence remain crucial for healthy adjustment.

Start by taking a few moments to audit your (or your teen’s) daily routines—notice which responsibilities are automatically taken on by parents and which the teen handles. Then, choose one area—maybe budgeting, travel, or communication—to shift toward greater independence, even if that means tolerating the awkwardness of missed buses or small mistakes. Use weekly check-ins to reflect on what’s working and where support is still needed, creating a judgment-free space to talk through hiccups. Over time, these steps will help build real confidence, bit by bit—so pick a new goal together and give it a try this week.