Enduring the Hardest Times: Love as a Choice Even for the 'Unlovable'

Sometimes, a relationship feels beyond repair—tension, silence, or even open hostility dominates. Gary Chapman once faced this scenario in counseling when a woman asked if it was possible to love someone she 'hated.' She felt totally depleted after years of criticism and distance from her husband, while friends urged her just to give up. Instead, Chapman proposed an experiment: for six months, she would focus all her energy on understanding and speaking her husband’s love language, even if he remained cold, and she’d keep a private journal of complaints instead of voicing them aloud.

The process was incredibly hard. She doubted herself and worried about being 'fake.' But gradually, as her husband’s emotional tank filled and he received more of what he needed, his resistance softened. He eventually began reciprocating—as Chapman had hoped. The experiment required months of patience, self-discipline, and trust that intentional action could shift even the deepest resentment.

Behavioral psychology shows that consistent, unconditional acts disrupt negative cycles and often spark new patterns of reciprocity, even in previously hopeless relationships. It’s not manipulation; it’s a demonstration that love, as a disciplined practice, can outlast mood swings, reversals, and even justified anger.

If you’re feeling discouraged, start by acknowledging the pain and frustration honestly to yourself. Now, make a bold commitment to act in your loved one’s primary language—without expectation or immediate reward—for a set period, such as three or six months. Keep track of both hopeful steps and any complaints you hold back, sharing your progress with a trusted confidant or counselor if possible. Once a month, quietly ask your partner for feedback about your efforts, and if there’s any shift, let it be another encouragement. This is slow work—give yourself grace, trust the experiment, and remember: sometimes, the miracle is that you changed, too.