Why Collaboration Beats Command-and-Control Parenting for ADHD Kids—Even If It Feels Slower

Eric, a father and basketball coach, faced endless tension with his daughter Sheena about remembering directions, both on the court and at home. Frustration boiled over at every miscommunication—he’d end up reminding her, she’d resist, and neither learned much except to dread the next clash. One day, after another messy practice, Eric realized the pattern wasn’t working. Instead of laying down another rule, he invited Sheena to the kitchen table and asked, 'What would help you remember?'

Sheena admitted that being yelled at made her tune out, not try harder. They brainstormed together: a calm, simple reminder during practice and her promise to ask for help if she didn’t catch instructions the first time. They kept tweaks small and checked in after a week. The next practice, when Sheena forgot warm-up directions, she no longer froze or stormed off; she checked in quietly, and warm-up went smoothly. No drama—just steady improvement.

Studies in developmental psychology confirm that collaborative problem-solving builds buy-in and increases the likelihood that solutions will stick. The locus of motivation moves inward: kids start seeing themselves as part of the process, not just objects of control. It turns out that what feels like slower progress at first actually pays off with fewer power struggles and more durable skills.

This week, schedule a conversation with your child to tackle one ongoing frustration when things are calm. Begin by sharing your concerns openly, and invite them to describe what they find hard about the situation. Brainstorm together—even allowing silly suggestions—until you land on one or two strategies you'll both try. Set a time to review how it’s going, remembering that slow, steady collaboration builds trust and gets real buy-in—far more than any strict new rule.