Why Controlling Yourself Changes Everything—Not Just Your Child's Behavior

You’ve trudged through the door with two overstuffed grocery bags, keys jangling, brain still full of work deadlines. Suddenly, your twelve-year-old bursts into the kitchen waving a permission slip, demanding, “You have to sign this now!” Your hands are full, your patience threadbare, and your gut reaction is to snap. But instead, you remember: pause. You feel the pressure of the plastic bag handles in your fingers and deliberately hold still, letting the sensation anchor you for a second longer.

You put the bags down gently, take a deep breath, and notice how your chest rises and falls. Maybe your child sees, maybe not—but inside, your storm is calming. You look at them and say, “I see this paper is really important to you. Can we put these away together and then talk about it?” The mood shifts. The kitchen doesn’t explode, and dinner—well, it still might be late, but the peace holds a little longer.

That night, as you reflect, you realize this brief moment of self-control did more than prevent a blow-up. It set a pattern your child can mimic: noticing big feelings, buying a pause, and choosing a better next step. Neuroscientists call this “emotion regulation”—the backbone of executive function that adults have to model first. You’re not perfect, and that’s fine: the effort itself rewires brains—yours and your child’s—toward resilience.

The next time you feel emotions bubbling up, take a moment to pause and check in with your body. Let your feet ground you, and try that chest or 'flower/candle' breath, inhaling deeply as if smelling a sweet flower and exhaling as if blowing out a candle. Once you’re calm, simply state what you notice, like, 'I see this is tough right now.' This simple script creates space for empathy instead of escalation, and if you practice it regularly—even just once today—you'll find it gets easier for both you and your child, setting the example that big feelings can be managed together.