How Authentic Praise Transforms Self-Esteem—But Only If You Do It Right

You’re standing in the kitchen, sorting through the day’s chaos, when your child proudly presents a crayon drawing with wild scribbles and an unmistakable dinosaur. The knee-jerk phrase, 'You’re such a good artist!' is right on the tip of your tongue, but you catch yourself. Remembering a conversation with a friend about confidence and resilience, you look at the drawing a little longer and ask, “Wow, what made you pick those colors?” The child brightens, launching into an explanation about 'dinosaur dreams.'

Later that week, you overhear parents at the playground trading stories about their kids being 'naturals' at math, soccer, spelling bees. You feel a flicker of doubt—should you be cheering louder? But then you remember how quickly your child gave up on the last tough puzzle after hearing, 'You’re so smart, you’ll figure it out.' Something didn’t sit right with all that sugar-coating.

During bedtime, your child shares how tricky it was to tie shoes, but persists anyway. You say, “You stuck with it till you got it.” A small grin is all the confirmation you need. Now you look for these little moments, asking, “What did you try?” rather than just celebrating the outcome. Your coffee cools on the table as you realize it’s a shift in how you see learning, not just how you praise it.

Scientific research confirms your change of heart: studies show that ability-based praise can breed a 'fixed mindset,' leaving kids anxious and risk-averse, while process-oriented praise grows grit and curiosity. By focusing on effort, perseverance, and specific actions, you’re nurturing self-esteem that lasts—even when things don’t come easily.

Next time your child (or a friend, or colleague) accomplishes something, hold back on the default 'You’re a genius!' Instead, listen for moments of effort, creative problem-solving, or steady practice, and point these out directly. Say things like, 'I noticed you tried several ways before it worked,' or, 'You didn’t give up even when it was frustrating.' If there’s disappointment or difficulty, gently ask what they learned or what they might try next. Over time, these small changes open up a new dialogue where growth and learning take center stage. Try it out this week, even if it feels awkward at first.