Intrinsic Motivation—Why You Should Ditch Rewards for Lasting Kindness
Handing out rewards for kindness seems logical—you want to reinforce the behavior you want to see, right? But decades of behavioral research (and countless real-world observations) show an unexpected twist: when we tie kindness to external rewards like toys, treats, or praise, kids start to view kindness transactionally. Instead of being kind for its own sake, they begin to ask, 'What will I get?' Each new reward must be bigger or shinier than the last to have the same effect—a cycle that never ends well.
Contrast this with intrinsic motivation—the internal desire to act kindly because it feels rewarding, aligns with personal values, or brings satisfaction in seeing someone else smile. Children who are taught to reflect on their actions (“How did it feel to help?”) develop their own internal compass, making kindness part of their identity. They don’t need a grown-up to nudge them; they do kind things for the joy and meaning inherent in the act.
Giving occasional, unexpected rewards through shared experiences (like baking or a fun outing) supports this system, as long as they're not directly tied to specific actions. The goal is to help children notice the real impact of their kindness, shifting their attention to how it improves relationships and personal growth. Science backs this up: intrinsic motivation is more sustainable, and children raised this way grow into adults who find fulfillment and happiness in helping others.
The next time you catch your child being kind, hold off on the treats or lofty words of praise. Instead, express your heartfelt gratitude and clearly describe what you noticed—they’ll remember, and so will you. Afterwards, sit together and encourage them to tell you what inspired them, how it felt, and what effect their kindness had. If you want to celebrate, plan a memorable but unrelated family activity later in the week, reinforcing that kindness is its own reward. Give this strategy a shot with the next act of helpfulness you observe at home.
What You'll Achieve
Stronger intrinsic motivation for kindness, avoidance of transactional mindsets, and deeper fulfillment and authenticity in social interactions.
Swap Praise for Reflection and Acknowledgment
Avoid material rewards for everyday kindness.
Instead of giving treats or toys for being helpful, offer your genuine appreciation and name the specific kind action you noticed.
Facilitate reflection after acts of kindness.
Ask your child what motivated them, how it felt, and what impact their action had on others, so they can internalize the emotional reward.
Occasionally pair kindness with memorable shared experiences.
If you want to celebrate kindness, do it through shared activities—like making a favorite meal together—unlinked to the act itself and only occasionally.
Reflection Questions
- How do you currently acknowledge kindness in your family or group?
- When do external incentives help—and when do they backfire?
- What internal feelings come up when you do something kind with no expectation of reward?
- How can you design systems at home or work that nurture intrinsic motivation?
Personalization Tips
- As a manager, move toward peer acknowledgment and self-reflection when employees excel, rather than bonuses or material incentives.
- In mentoring, debrief after a student helps others, focusing on what they learned and how it affected the group.
- Within a sports team, highlight collective victories and good sportsmanship with rituals or celebrations, not just trophies.
Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids
Ready to Take Action?
Get the Mentorist app and turn insights like these into daily habits.