Your Most Extreme Reactions May Be Your Brain’s Emergency Response System—Learn to Befriend Firefighters

After a hard night—maybe a fight with a sibling, a bad grade, or feeling invisible at a party—you find yourself elbow-deep in snacks without even noticing, or rage-quitting a game, or scrolling TikTok until your eyes ache. The urge to get relief is overwhelming, and afterward, shame settles in like a fog. You might wonder, 'Why can’t I just control myself?' Or 'What’s wrong with me?' But beneath each of these extreme behaviors is something your brain is desperately trying to do: protect you.

In Internal Family Systems, these parts are called 'firefighters.' They rush in as soon as pain or distress bursts through your usual defenses. Sometimes that looks like numbing out, sometimes making impulsive decisions, or even self-destructive choices. It’s a survival reflex—your brain’s version of an emergency response. A teen once described lying on his bed after a humiliating incident, fighting the urge to disappear into video games for hours to numb the sting. Later, he realized the urge to disconnect wasn’t about laziness or apathy, but about rescue—his system trying to stop the pain by any means necessary.

Self-compassion starts when you recognize these bursts not as signs of bad character, but of adaptation under stress. Research shows that befriending your firefighters—when you’re calm enough to do so—reduces the grip of shame and helps reduce reliance on extreme coping over time. It’s about understanding that these reactions are not 'you,' but parts of you working hard with very basic tools. You can listen, acknowledge, and—eventually—negotiate with them. That’s where resilience begins.

When you catch yourself in a familiar intense behavior, resist the urge to shame or suppress it. Instead, take a breath and name what just happened, seeing it as a firefighter part stepping in. Later, when the intensity has cooled, reflect on what that part was reacting to and ask what it wanted to protect you from. Getting curious—rather than critical—with yourself helps you turn these moments into opportunities for understanding and calm. Try this the next time a strong urge takes over; you might just find a new way to relate to your pain.