Demystifying Peer Conflict and Bullying: Teaching Assertion Over Niceness or Meanness

Social tension crackles through middle school, as girls circle their tribes. Your daughter arrives home irritated, having just gotten caught up in a back-and-forth spat over who sat with whom at lunch. Someone spread rumors, another friend shot back with a biting text. You resist the urge to classify every scrap as bullying, pausing instead to talk with her about what happened.

You listen—really listen—then help her untangle the swirl of hurt: 'It sounds like you’re angry, and anyone would be. But how do you feel about what you did after—was that really you?' The conversation is awkward, but slowly she moves away from blaming or justifying, toward owning what’s hers and letting go of what isn’t. Next time, she tries a different approach, texting: 'I was really hurt. I wish we had talked.' The drama doesn’t vanish, but her sense of agency grows.

For you, coaching the distinction between thoughts, feelings, and actions becomes routine. Science tells us that assertion—the skill of speaking up while staying civil—protects girls from the trap of chronic self-blame and teaches them new options besides being the victim or the mean one. It’s a slow process, but one with lasting impact.

Tonight or after the next peer drama, talk with your daughter about what really happened—what was normal conflict, what crossed the line, and how she felt before, during, and after. Encourage her to vent, but nudge her toward assertive language—clear but kind. Go over what she might do differently next time, and celebrate small wins when she moves from silence or aggression to measured courage. These are hard skills, but worth the energy. Start the next conversation with curiosity, not solutions.